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One of the most difficult aspects of human nature is our tendency to react defensively, often without realizing it.

Ultimately, it's normal to get defensive sometimes. However, this defensiveness is often the main culprit behind personal and workplace conflicts.

So, why exactly are we so prone to defending ourselves even when we know we're not right? Let's find out! Once we discover the root causes, it will be much easier to learn how to change this behavior.

Most People Need to Be Right

Most people feel an almost automatic need to validate our opinions. This is, in fact, quite a common reaction in the heat of an argument.

We gravitate toward people who think like us. We don't do that because it feels comfortable, but because it reinforces our sense of being right. On the other hand, when someone challenges our views, it feels like a personal threat.

As a result, we often double down on our beliefs, even when evidence suggests we might be wrong. Rather than adjusting our views, we search for facts that confirm what we already believe. Because of this, it can be incredibly difficult to accept constructive criticism and genuinely reflect on our behavior.

Certainty and Fear

Another driver for defensiveness is our craving for certainty. We're conditioned to view not knowing as a weakness in a world filled with unpredictability. So, when we're faced with uncertainty, we cling to whatever sense of stability we can find, meaning to what we do know.

Furthermore, our ability to imagine the future, a uniquely human trait, can make us even more defensive. While this ability allows us to plan and dream, it also confronts us with countless scenarios that may never happen but still cause fear: sudden loss, illness, failure, and rejection. This awareness of possible futures, coupled with the inability to control most outcomes, leads to anxiety and defensiveness.

The Role of Mental Filters

Our perception of the world is rarely objective. Instead, we tend to filter information through our existing mental frameworks, formed by our past experiences, culture, and beliefs.

Because of this, we’re remarkably good at ignoring anything that contradicts what we already think. The trouble is that we don’t usually notice when we’re doing it.

For example, defensive behaviors can stem from a number of personal and psychological factors. People may act defensively if they:

• Strive for perfectionism; when they make mistakes, they see them as weaknesses.

• Are insecure about who they are or what they can do, so they try to hide by being defensive.

• Cannot cope with uncomfortable emotions like guilt or shame.

• Have learned this behavior from parents or other figures.

• Suffer from mental health conditions like anxiety disorders.

What Does Defensiveness Look Like?

Defensiveness doesn’t always appear as obvious hostility or argument. It can take many subtle forms that signal a person is feeling threatened, insecure, or emotionally exposed. Common defensive behaviors include:

• Justifying everything. Explaining away actions or decisions, even when no explanation is required, to avoid criticism or admit fault.

• Blaming others. Shifting responsibility onto others instead of acknowledging personal mistakes or shortcomings.

• Withdrawing or shutting down. Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations by becoming distant, silent, or emotionally unavailable.

• Overexplaining. Providing excessive details to seem credible or in control, often masking discomfort with being questioned.

• Sarcasm or mockery. Using humor or sarcasm to deflect vulnerability or invalidate others' points.

• Reacting with anger or irritation. Responding disproportionately to feedback or disagreement, often to assert control or avoid vulnerability.

• Minimizing others’ feelings. Dismissing or invalidating someone else’s emotional experience is a way to protect one’s ego.

• Perfectionism. Holding oneself to impossibly high standards and reacting defensively when falling short, due to a fear of appearing flawed.

• Avoiding accountability. Refusing to acknowledge harm or error, is often due to an underlying fear of rejection or shame.

• Overconfidence. Masking deep insecurity by acting like you always know the right answer or never need help.

How to Stop Being Defensive?

First and foremost, if you want to become less defensive, you need to acknowledge that you are being defensive. If you're reading this article, you're already on the right path. However, there's more work to do besides just acknowledging your behavior, so keep reading to learn how you can improve!

1. Become Aware of Your Defensiveness

The first step in changing defensive habits is recognizing when they’re happening. Pay attention to what your body does during arguments or tense discussions. You might notice:

• Your jaw clenching

• Your shoulders tightening

• Your heart racing

• A strong urge to interrupt, justify, or walk away

These physical signals are your body’s way of sounding the alarm. When you start noticing these patterns, you create space between the reaction and the response. On the other hand, when you continue to interact with others from this state of alertness, the conversations likely won't go well.

2. Step Away Before Responding

When you notice that you feel defensive, take a short break. In the heat of the moment, we often say things we don’t mean or escalate conflict without wanting to.

Therefore, step away from the situation for a few minutes to allow your nervous system to reset. This gives you a chance to return to the conversation with more clarity and less reactivity.

3. Use Breathing and Mindfulness Exercises

Grounding techniques can calm your fight-or-flight response in the moment and bring you back to the present. Try:

• Taking five slow, deep breaths

• Noticing five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear

• Shaking your body

These practices create a sense of internal safety, which helps your brain shift from reacting to listening.

4. Surround Yourself with People Who Think Differently

One excellent way to challenge your defensiveness is to regularly engage with people who hold different opinions. This doesn’t mean that you should put yourself in hostile environments, but rather seek out thoughtful conversations with people whose experiences or worldviews differ from your own.

Over time, this practice expands your tolerance for difference, builds empathy, and reminds you that disagreement isn't danger; it’s growth.

5. Use Mendi Neurofeedback to Train Emotion Regulation

Mendi is a neurofeedback device designed to help users improve focus, calmness, and emotion regulation by training the brain through real-time feedback. It works by measuring blood flow and activity in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for decision-making, self-control, and emotion regulation.

When you practice with Mendi regularly:

• You become more aware of your stress responses.

• Your brain can learn how to stay calm and focused under pressure.

• Your ability to regulate emotions, including defensiveness, improves.

This can be especially useful for people who tend to react impulsively during conflict. Instead of snapping back or shutting down, your brain becomes better at pausing, processing, and responding with clarity. Neurofeedback doesn’t eliminate emotional reactions, but it helps you manage them more skillfully, so you don’t get swept away by them.

Curious to learn more about Mendi neurofeedback? Check our comprehensive guide on how our headband works!

6. Acknowledge Your Limitations

No one knows everything. Admitting that you don’t have all the answers isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom. When you can comfortably say, I might be wrong, or I hadn’t considered that, you take the pressure off yourself to be perfect or all-knowing.

This openness invites learning and reduces the emotional charge behind being proven wrong.

7. Train Your Active Listening Skills

Active listening means fully focusing on what the other person is saying without planning your rebuttal. It involves:

• Maintaining eye contact

• Reflecting on what you heard

• Not interrupting the other person

• Asking clarifying questions instead of responding with your own story or opinion

This approach shifts your mindset from defending to understanding, which reduces the likelihood of conflict and strengthens trust between you and your partner.

8. Train Your Communication Skills

It's not enough to listen to the other person. It's equally important to learn how to answer and communicate effectively. When we get defensive, we express ourselves harshly, make accusations, or speak in absolutes (you always, you never). This can trigger defensiveness in others, which then bounces back onto us.

Therefore, try these strategies to make sure the other person feels safe talking to you:

• Use I statements. Instead of saying, You’re being rude, try I feel dismissed when I’m interrupted.

• Be specific, not general. Focus on what happened, not on labeling the person.

• Check your tone and body language. Sometimes, it’s not what we say, but how we say it.

9. Build a Growth Mindset

A growth mindset is the belief that you can improve through effort, feedback, and learning. When you adopt this mindset, feedback stops feeling like a personal attack and starts to feel like an opportunity.

Rather than defending your current self, you start investing in your future self.

10. Prove Yourself Wrong, On Purpose

Instead of clinging to your beliefs, challenge them. Look for counterarguments to your own opinions. This builds intellectual humility and weakens the ego’s grip on being right.

This way, you're staying curious, adaptable, and intellectually honest.

11. Read Books or Watch Movies

When you engage with stories featuring characters with beliefs or behaviors you might disagree with, you're training your empathy and ability to keep an open mind and validate new perspectives. It forces you to see the world through someone else’s eyes, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Fiction, memoirs, and films help you stretch beyond your immediate experience and develop compassion for different ways of being. Over time, this makes it easier to tolerate disagreement in real life.

12. Seek Professional Help

If defensiveness is consistently harming your personal life or career, holding you back at work, or making it difficult to grow emotionally, even after you've tried self-help strategies, it may be time to seek support from a mental health professional.

While defensiveness is a common human response, in some cases it can signal deeper emotional struggles. For example, chronic defensiveness may be linked to:

• Unresolved trauma

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety or mood disorders

• Attachment issues

• Certain personality disorders, such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder

Therapy provides a nonjudgmental space where you can explore your triggers, challenge your thought patterns, and learn emotion regulation tools tailored to your needs.

There’s no shame in needing help. In fact, choosing to get support is one of the least defensive, and most courageous, things you can do for yourself and your relationships.

Ready to Train Your Brain for Calm and Clarity?

If you're serious about reducing defensiveness and becoming more emotionally resilient, Mendi might be exactly what you've been looking for!

It utilizes research-grade fNIRS technology to train your brain to self-regulate. By strengthening the parts of your brain responsible for focus, emotional control, and resilience under pressure, Mendi empowers you to pause, reflect on the situation, and offer a healthy response!

Experience the science of self-regulation with the Mendi device!

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I train myself to be less defensive?

You can train yourself to be less defensive by noticing your physical and emotional responses during conflict, and then pausing before responding defensively to reflect on what triggered you. Practice mindfulness, active listening, and neurofeedback, and learn to be comfortable with negative feedback to teach your mind and body to self-regulate and gradually reduce defensive habits

Why do I get defensive so easily?

You may get defensive easily if you feel attacked when someone does not agree with you. You may feel like their opinions threaten your self-worth. This is often rooted in past experiences, fear of being wrong, or insecurity.

How do you disarm a defensive person?

You can disarm a defensive person by staying calm, validating their feelings, and avoiding blaming language (use I statements instead of you accusations). Create a safe, nonjudgmental space to lower their guard and encourage open communication.

Which behavior helps reduce defensiveness?

Active listening and open, non-judgmental communication can help reduce defensiveness and foster mutual understanding.

How can I practice self-awareness?

Practicing self-awareness involves reflecting on your reactions and seeking feedback from others, which can help you understand your emotional triggers better. Consider talking to a therapist for additional support on your journey to self-discovery or using tools like Mendi neurofeedback.

When should I seek professional help for defensiveness?

If defensiveness is repeatedly hurting your relationships or seems tied to deeper personal issues, it's a good idea to seek professional help for positive change. Don't hesitate to reach out; support can make a big difference.