Your cart

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully without diminishing yourself or others. It is not about dominating a conversation, avoiding one, or being aggressive and rude.

"Assertiveness is always, or almost always, very relaxed, very open, but characterized by clarity. So you’re actually saying what it is that you mean in a way that is not attacking the other person," says Randy Paterson, the author of The Assertiveness Workbook.

Assertiveness training is often a transformative tool, especially for those who have historically struggled with people-pleasing, avoidance, or conflict. It builds more than just communication skills. It enhances emotional resilience, self-esteem, and leadership presence. Learning to be assertive can unlock greater satisfaction and healthier relationships, whether in personal or professional contexts.

On the other hand, a lack of assertiveness can lead to low self-esteem, anger, frustration, and even physical aggression.

Assertiveness vs. Aggression vs. Passivity: Key Differences

Assertiveness is frequently mistaken for aggression, but the two are fundamentally different. In pursuit of personal goals, an aggressive person may bulldoze others, speak over them, or demand outcomes without regard for how it affects people. Aggressive behavior may produce short-term results, but it typically damages trust, fosters resentment, and undermines long-term relationships.

At the other end of the spectrum is passivity. Passive individuals often avoid expressing their needs or opinions altogether, typically out of fear of conflict or rejection. While passive behavior might preserve harmony temporarily, it often leads to internal frustration, resentment, and a loss of self-worth.

Passive-aggressive people also employ an unhealthy behavior, which is characterized by indirect resistance or avoidance instead of open communication. This can erode relationships by breeding confusion and mistrust.

Assertiveness serves as the healthy middle ground, although there's a fine line between an assertive person and an aggressive one. Assertiveness encourages open, honest, and respectful dialogue where everyone's needs can be acknowledged and addressed. When individuals adopt assertive behavior, they can express themselves with clarity and confidence without alienating others.

Why Assertiveness Matters in Everyday Life

In daily life, assertiveness gives you the necessary tools to express your needs in relationships, avoid being taken for granted, set boundaries, and advocate for your needs. It helps you say no without over-explaining, yes without self-betrayal, and I don’t know without shame.

Imagine you’re meeting a friend who’s often late. Instead of bottling up your frustration or snapping, you say calmly: I value our time together, and I feel frustrated when I’m waiting. Can we agree on a time that works for both of us and stick to it?

Here's another real-life example. You’re overwhelmed and need personal space. Rather than avoiding people or spending time with them without really wanting this, you say: I really need a quiet evening to recharge tonight. Let’s catch up later this week.

Why Assertiveness Matters in the Workplace

Assertiveness is just as important for workplace morale and your career. It gives you the tools to handle conflict constructively, give and receive feedback with clarity, and communicate needs or expectations without undermining collaboration. Assertive employees are considered confident, self-assured, competent, and reliable. All of these traits open doors to leadership opportunities and career advancement.

Let's say that during a meeting, a colleague interrupts you repeatedly. If you are assertive, you respond with I’d like to finish my thought, and then I’m happy to hear your input.

On a different day, you’re offered a project you’re excited about, but the deadline is too tight. An assertive person would respond to this situation with I’d love to take this responsibility on, but I’ll need a bit more time to do it well. Could we discuss a realistic timeline?

7 Tips on How to Be Assertive

For many people, becoming assertive can feel uncomfortable, even intimidating, especially if they've spent years avoiding conflict, putting others first, or doubting their right to take up space.

It's important to note that learning to be assertive is a gradual, skill-building process rooted in self-awareness and respect. You don't need to change who you are. You simply need to start expressing who you are with clarity and confidence.

The first step is small but incredibly important: acknowledge that your voice, your needs, and your values are valid. From there, it's about building practical habits that empower you to stand up for yourself without stepping on anyone else. It takes practice, but you'll get there.

As such, here are some helpful tips on how to be assertive.

1. Know Your Needs and Values

Assertiveness starts from within. You can't communicate your needs clearly if you don't really know what your needs are.

Here’s how to get started:

• Identify your core values. What principles guide your decisions? Honesty, independence, creativity, and fairness? Choose 3-5 that resonate most deeply with you.

• Assess your daily needs. Think about what helps you feel safe, respected, motivated, or calm. Is it alone time, recognition, structure, or collaboration?

• Spot the disconnects. Ask yourself: where in my life am I compromising these values or neglecting my needs?

• Use tools like journaling or mind mapping to identify patterns and clarify what matters to you. For example, write about a recent situation where you felt frustrated, then identify which value or need was unmet.

2. Use “I” Statements to Express Yourself

Assertiveness is all about how we communicate our needs and values. So, once you identify them, it's time to learn how to express yourself.

One of the simplest yet most effective tools for assertive communication is the use of I statements. They keep the focus on your experience rather than casting blame.

How to use them effectively:

• Structure your sentences like this: I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason]. What I need is [specific request]. Example: I feel overwhelmed when deadlines change at the last minute because I can’t plan effectively. I need clearer timelines so I can stay on track.

• Avoid you accusations. Instead of You never listen to me, try I feel dismissed when I’m interrupted.

• Keep your tone calm and respectful. Assertive behavior is both about how you speak and what you say.

By using I statements, you avoid hurting the other person's feelings, show mutual respect, and show accountability for your emotions.

You can also apply the Basic Assertiveness Formula, as explained by Lorraine M. Dorfman, a clinical psychologist.

3. Practice Saying No Without Guilt

One of the most powerful acts of assertiveness is saying no, without over-explaining, apologizing, or feeling guilty. This practice leaves room for your needs.

Here are some tips in this regard:

• Start small. Practice saying no to low-stakes requests: Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll pass this time.

• Use clear, neutral phrases. That doesn’t work for me or I have other priorities right now are perfectly valid.

• Resist the urge to justify. You’re allowed to say no simply because you choose to. You don’t owe anyone an elaborate reason.

• Have a few go-to scripts. Prepare polite but firm responses for common situations (e.g., being asked to take on extra work or attend a social event you don’t want to).

• Take the time to think. Let's say you're invited to a party you don't want to go but you feel compelled to accept. Don't answer right away. Say that you'll think about it. This will give you some time to reinforce the idea that you are allowed to refuse to do something you do not want to do.

4. Maintain Open Body Language

Your body language often speaks louder than your words, so make sure they’re aligned. Here's how to strengthen your presence:

• Keep an upright posture and your shoulders relaxed. Avoid leaning forward so you don't take over the other person's space.

• Maintain eye contact, but don’t stare. Steady eye contact conveys sincerity and confidence.

• Keep your hands visible and use open gestures. Avoid crossing your arms or fidgeting.

• Practice your tone. Speak at a moderate pace and volume. A shaky voice or rushed delivery can undermine your message.

• Maintain a positive facial expression. This way, the other person will understand that you do not want to hurt or dismiss their feelings.

5. Rehearse Difficult Conversations in Advance

High-stakes conversations can really be nerve-wracking. This is why you should prepare ahead of time for them (if possible).

Try this approach:

• Write down your key points. What do you want to say? What outcome do you hope for?

• Practice aloud in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. Pay attention to your tone, pacing, and word choice.

• Role-play possible responses. What if the other person gets defensive? Prepare calm, grounded replies like I hear your concern, and this is still important to me.

• Visualize the conversation going well. Mental rehearsal can reduce anxiety and help you enter the interaction with a positive mindset.

6. Stay Calm in the Face of Pushback

Assertiveness doesn't guarantee a warm reception. Some people may push back or react emotionally when you set boundaries. This is not a sign that you've done something wrong. Quite the opposite–it's a sign that you're taking a step forward in your attempt to become more assertive.

So, what should you do in the face of pushback? Here are some tips:

• Pause before responding. Take a deep breath. Ground yourself by feeling your feet on the floor or placing a hand on your chest.

• Remind yourself: Their reaction is about them, not me.

• Stick to your boundaries calmly: I understand that you’re upset. My decision still stands.

• Listen attentively. It's important to show the other person that you are not all about your own agenda. You do care about their feelings, and you are open to dialogue.

• Don’t overcorrect or backtrack just to keep the peace. Respecting yourself sometimes means tolerating temporary discomfort.

7. Celebrate Small Wins

Every time you speak up for yourself, acknowledge it. It counts. Positive reinforcement strengthens the habit. Try the following:

• Track your wins. Keep a simple log or journal where you note the moments you spoke up, set a boundary, or honored your needs.

• Affirm yourself. After a difficult conversation, say: That took courage. I’m proud of how I handled it.

• Share your progress with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist. External validation can boost your motivation.

• Reflect on how you felt afterward. Did you feel more empowered? Relieved? Noticing the emotional rewards makes it easier to keep going.

How Mendi Neurofeedback Can Help You Be More Assertive

Assertiveness relies heavily on brain functions like decision-making, impulse control, emotional regulation, and self-monitoring. All of these are managed by the prefrontal cortex.

Mendi’s advanced neurofeedback technology is designed to specifically train and strengthen this critical brain area. It promotes neuroplasticity, the brain's natural ability to adapt and reorganize itself, and reinforces positive behaviors through a learning technique called operant conditioning.

By targeting the prefrontal cortex, Mendi can help you:

• Increase your self-awareness. This will allow you to identify your true values, goals, and desires. It can also increase your self-confidence and self-respect.

• Enhance your emotion regulation skills. This will help you be less impulsive and stay calm and grounded during emotional moments. You'll also find it easier to pause and reflect on your feelings before communicating them to others. You'll respond thoughtfully instead of shutting down or acting aggressively.

• Manage stress more effectively and reduce anxiety. This is extremely important for those who struggle with guilt or fear of rejection.

• Clear your mind when necessary. Having a clear mind before a tough conversation, for example, is the key to making sure that you're being assertive and remaining calm even if the other person's reaction is different from what you expected.

Overcoming Barriers to Assertiveness

For many people, assertive behaviors can feel deeply unnatural, unsafe, or wrong. Why? Because it often goes against the messages we've internalized growing up: don't upset anyone, be agreeable, stay small. These beliefs can become barriers that keep us silent, even when our needs go unmet. They may have been shaped by family dynamics, cultural conditioning, or even painful past experiences.

Let's explore the most common obstacles to assertiveness and what you can do to overcome them.

Fear of Conflict or Rejection

At the heart of many people’s struggle with assertiveness is a fear of conflict, disapproval, or abandonment. The mere idea of expressing a differing opinion or saying no might trigger a cascade of anxious thoughts: Will they get upset? Will they think I’m rude? What if they stop liking me?

So, what can you do in this case?

Start small. Speak up in situations where the stakes are low: correct your coffee order or express a preference for where to eat. These micro-moments help you build confidence in your ability to handle discomfort. Over time, your nervous system learns that voicing your needs doesn’t automatically lead to chaos or rejection.

Low Self-Esteem or Lack of Self-Worth

If you struggle with believing that your needs matter, assertiveness will feel like a foreign language. You may doubt your right to be heard, hesitate to set boundaries, or downplay your desires. These patterns are often rooted in chronic invalidation when your feelings or preferences are dismissed or ignored by caregivers or peers.

To break this cycle, you have to begin validating yourself. This means acknowledging your feelings without judgment and affirming that they are real and worthy of expression. Even if you don’t fully believe it yet, practice saying: My voice matters. I am allowed to say no. I have the right to express myself.

As Kristin Neff, a leading voice in self-compassion research, notes: “The beauty of self-compassion is that instead of replacing negative feelings with positive ones, new positive emotions are generated by embracing the negative ones."

Guilt Around Prioritizing Your Needs

People raised to be helpers, fixers, or peacekeepers tend to experience a strong sense of guilt when they try to be assertive. You may associate self-care with selfishness or feel that saying no means letting others down.

But guilt isn’t a reliable moral compass. In the case of assertiveness, it’s often just a sign that you’re doing something unfamiliar, a sign that you are finally honoring your own values.

Try shifting your inner dialogue. Instead of I shouldn’t say no, try It’s okay to protect my time and energy. Instead of They’ll be upset with me, try It’s healthy to have boundaries in relationships.

Emotional Dysregulation or Reactivity

Sometimes, it’s not a lack of desire that gets in the way of assertiveness. It’s the surge of emotions. You might shut down when anxious or lash out when triggered. In these moments, the rational part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) gets hijacked by your fight-or-flight response.

To express yourself clearly, you need tools that help you stay regulated. Try these techniques:

• Breathing exercises

• Mindfulness practices

• Grounding exercises

• Neurofeedback tools like Mendi (see more details above)

Lack of Practice or Role Models

Assertiveness can feel awkward simply because you’ve never seen it done well. If the communication you witnessed growing up was passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive, you may have internalized that as normal behavior.

The truth is that assertiveness is a learnable skill. You can begin now, no matter your age or background. Seek out examples of clear, respectful communication. Watch TED talks. Read books like Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg or The Assertiveness Workbook by Dr. Randy J. Paterson. Join communities where people model what it means to set clear boundaries and express themselves with confidence.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you're not naturally assertive, you experience persistent anxiety or difficulty setting boundaries, and self-help strategies aren't enough, it's best to seek professional help.

Don't forget that recognizing when you need help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Mental health professionals can help you navigate complex emotions and develop personal growth strategies tailored to your unique situation and point of view.

They can help you understand why being assertive doesn't come naturally to you and offer advice on effective communication without sounding accusatory. Ultimately, a professional has your best interests at heart, and they can provide you with the assurance you need to be able to express your desires and needs while staying respectful to others.

Set the Foundation for Assertiveness with Mendi!

If you’re tired of second-guessing your voice or shrinking in moments that matter, it’s time to change that! While Mendi does not directly improve your assertiveness skills, it's a training partner for your brain. It nurtures the mental and emotional foundation that makes assertiveness sustainable, authentic, and effortless.

So, are you ready to speak up with clarity and confidence? Get your Mendi today!

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I train myself to be assertive?

To train yourself to be assertive, start by identifying your needs and values, then practice expressing them using "I" statements in low-stakes situations. Over time, you can build confidence by setting small boundaries, staying calm during pushback, and reinforcing your progress through self-reflection or tools like neurofeedback. If self-help strategies don't help, you can talk to a mental health professional who can help you navigate this process.

Why do I struggle to be assertive?

You may struggle to be assertive because of past conditioning, fear of conflict or rejection, emotional dysregulation, low self-worth, or a lack of role models for healthy communication. These barriers are common, but they can be unlearned with practice, self-compassion, and support.

What are the 3 C's of assertiveness?

The 3 C's of assertiveness are confidence, clarity, and control.

What is the difference between assertiveness and aggression?

Assertiveness empowers you to express your thoughts and needs respectfully, while aggression disregards others' feelings and demands outcomes.

Why is assertiveness important in the workplace?

Assertiveness is crucial in the workplace because it empowers you to advocate for yourself, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts professionally.

When should I seek professional help for assertiveness?

Seek professional help when you feel persistent anxiety, inadequacy, or struggle to assert your needs. A professional can provide you with personalized strategies that will help you become more confident in expressing your needs.